updates

as i sit here in between my click clicking on the keyboard, i alternate clutching a steaming cup of tea with honey, and a wadded up tissue.  mmmm. post-holiday/snow-storm illness. it's almost a tradition with me - go home for christmas and more likely than not, i will end up either ill or otherwise unwell, ranging anywhere from a nasty case of the sniffles, to going to the ER for a tetanus shot because a stray cat scratched me and my hand ballooned up to the size of a grapefruit, to not once but twice getting the 24 hour flu on christmas day.  there's just something about this holiday that always leaves me somewhat low on batteries. 

although i would much rather be curled up snoozing with my kitties, i have some serious updating to do.  a few months ago i wrote to you all about the price of happiness.  it became quite clear that i needed to make some big changes in my life and from that point forth things have percolated under the surface.  and now with the new year approaching i am very pleased to announce that i have begun taking the next steps to teaching on a more full time basis.  (!!!)

after soliciting advice from fellow yoga teachers, mentors, family and friends i have received such an amazing outpouring of support.  to take a step back from a full time job and guaranteed paycheck to work for myself in what can only be described as a very transitory business was a scary decision but, at some point, you have to follow your heart.  as i started to share this realization with other people, i was greeted with stories of similar plights, or words of admiration, advice, encouragement and above all joy.  joy that i have found something that sustains me.  to all of you fellow teachers, mentors, family and friends - thank you for that.  even in the darkest moments when i struggle with the "what if's" of the future - your support and enthusiasm for my path has given me strength.  thank you.  


i have been very lucky to work out an arrangement with my full time job so that now i will be part time with flexible hours starting 1/3/11.  though there are still a lot of things still up in the air - i am so looking forward to having more time to search for openings, to take class, and to really developing my home practice.  (stay tuned for more on that).  

 wishing you all a happy rest of the year and here's to new and bright beginnings for 2011. 


xxx

the void.

i caught myself getting sucked down into the void today.  the void of darkness, where negative thoughts lie... just waiting to tear apart any shred of positive, self empowered thought to teeny tiny pieces.  

if you have read my blog, you might recall that since grade school i have struggled with self esteem issues.  so, it can be very easy for me, even as an adult (and even as a yoga practitioner/teacher) to revert to a place where if i see someone succeeding (especially in an arena that i desperately want to succeed at as well) i turn that person's success into my failure.  my failure to not work quickly enough, or hard enough, or maybe i'm not strong or cool enough... or a multitude of any other reasons begin to fill the void; offering up possible shortcomings - giving me some sort of answer as to why i am not worthy of the success another is enjoying.

as i sat there watching my mind sink further into the void of darkness, one of my favorite sutras from patanjali popped into my head: 1.33 "by cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains it's undisturbed calmness."


delight in the virtuous.  delight!  not simmer away into a pool of black frothy jealousy and wonder "what's wrong with me?"  so as i settled on my yoga mat for practice this evening i gave myself the intention of happiness.  nothing more, just happiness.  happiness for the moment, happiness for being where i am and doing what i am doing.  though those black frothy feelings don't just disappear because i will them to - but by setting this seemingly simple intention, i was able to practice with a quiet mind and a smile on my face.  

and i realized it's simple really: just focus on myself, what i can do, and my own happiness. - someone else being happy doesn't mean that they are taking that happiness away from me - thankfully, happiness is not a limited edition item, there is enough in the world for me to have some too.  

we all have our parts to play and will get what we are meant to have.

little by little all is coming...


(yoga works.  that's all there is to it)  :) 

much much light and love.  


xxx

learn to love the questions

i came across this poem yesterday that is one of my favorites.  back when i was in high school, my mentor teacher, norm vandal said in one of my classes to "learn to love the questions." i remember having so much trouble wrapping my brain around that thought when he said it.  i liked answers.  i feared the unknown.  i had a plan, and i was sticking to it!  little did i know how much this piece of wisdom would shape who i eventually have become more than 7 years later.  norm was the first person who told me that i would make an exceptional teacher and actually made me believe it, and for that, i am eternally grateful. 

even though i always remembered what norm said in class that day (i recall him using me as his "teaching moment" to illustrate how so many of us rarely do love the questions. and he could read me like a book and knew how uncomfortable uncertainty made me - which of course embarrassed little high school me to no end) it wasn't until years later when i was in college, that i came across this rainer maria rilke quote that everything seemed to click.  as i read it over, i realized how incredibly yogic it sounds.  

"be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them.  and the point is, to live everything.  live the questions now.  perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - rainer maria rilke


i sense i will be weaving in a portion of this reading into one of my classes.  in the meantime: i hope that this speaks to you.  

xxx

(winter) spring cleaning

you know, i think winter gets a tough wrap.  don't get me wrong - i am the first person to admit that i cannot deal with the cold.  like.  can. not. deal.  and yes, i realize i am originally from vermont -- but here's the thing: i was cold in vermont too! it's not like that magically means i should be out snowshoeing in shorts and a tank top with a huge smile on my face in 20 degree weather.  no. i was cold there too.  and this problem has only gotten worse as i have aged, as the years have passed by my ability to suffer the cold weather has decreased exponentially. my teeth chatter uncontrollably in 50 degree weather, much to the amusement of my friends.  my bones feel as though they radiate ice.  which can be really amusing for me if i happen to accidentally brush my hand across another person's skin.  first they cringe in horror then they stare at me, amazed that someone who has such cold hands could possibly, indeed, still have a beating heart. 


as many of us remember from grade school, winter is the time for hibernation.  which can be both literal and figurative.  making changes and cleaning out the cobwebs just seem easier to do in the spring.  but, i've never been one to let a season keep me from doing some major overhaul on the layer of clutter that has seemed to collect in my physical, mental and spiritual body.  as you may recall from one of my earlier blog postings, i don't even like to make new year's resolutions because, well why wait for a certain calendar day to make a change? so in that spirit i have started to attempt to clean out my life.  

like old pairs of jeans, my relationships and decisions have been pulled out of the closet, and tried on to see if they still fit, if they still serve me the way i need them too.  am i just keeping them because i hope one day to be the person that this fits?  should i still hold onto something if it doesn't fit now?  the process begins.  and as i start to discard the things i no longer have use for.  it has not been easy and obviously there are always things that i probably should toss in the "to go" pile - but just can't bring myself to yet.  

and maybe that's okay.  maybe right now the most important thing is to just start to ask the questions and just hope that every little bit counts.  life is a process and nothing is going to change in one day.  no matter how much you might want it to.  so all i (or anyone) can do is take one step, one breath at a time and just continue to believe and hope. 


xxx

the price of happiness.

over the past month i have been doing a lot of soul searching.  i have been overworked, exhausted and sick on and off for the past month.  beyond that, i have also been dealing with my two newly adopted cats having a variety of emergent problems which resulted in two trips to the animal emergency room and multiple follow up visits to vets and animal hospitals.  needless to say, stressful situations have been permeating my day to days.  

 all of this stress has been balled up inside of me, pushed down and survived through - so i could stay afloat.  so i could keep working 50-60 hour weeks.  so i could always be where i needed to be when i needed to be there. always.  needless to say, my body has reacted and it as not (as you may have guessed) in a positive way.  i've been having some very troubling symptoms the last 10 days and after seeing a doctor yesterday have learned that the best case scenario is that it is all due to the stress i have been going through.  worst case is... something i am not quite sure of and not quite prepared for but, they are running a bunch of tests and here's hoping things improve, otherwise a bunch more tests await.  


my body has made it clear to me that what i am doing, over extending myself, is not going to fly.  so here comes the part where i start to do some soul searching.  things are the way they are, so how do i do something about it?  decisions have been made and some sacrifices are to come, but i am remaining confident that although it may be scary and it may go against what my brain tells me is right, but this time - i have to trust my heart.  things will fall into place if they are right.  and though i cannot see the full picture right now, perhaps i am not meant to, it all comes down to this: what is ultimately going to bring me closer to my truest, fullest expression of myself?  

details will be forthcoming when the time is right.  though, if you'd care to have a more in depth conversation with me about any of this - feel free to leave me a message.  

i will leave you with a few quotes from my dad in my last e-mail exchange with him that brought me very much comfort and i hope they will you as well. 

"when everything is said and done, it will be the things we should have done, but did not that we will most regret, not the things we should not have done, but did."

and perhaps my new mantra: "what greater responsibility could you possibly have than to be happy." 

xxx 

okay... thanks to some random person leaving strange and inappropriate comments on my blog, i am going to be moderating comments from here on out. 

xxx

one year ago...

... i just was starting the yogaworks teacher training.  it's amazing to think how much has actually changed.  even though i feel really great about how much i have been able to do over the last 6 months since teacher training ended, i kind of wish i was doing it again.  having the chance to soak in all of that information knowing what i know now, being able to ask the questions that only arose once i started teaching... would be so absolutely satisfying.  but, i guess i am going to have to wait until the 500 hr training comes around to boston.  which i really hope will be next year.  i feel like i have done well with what i have so far, but i am itching to know more and to do more as a teacher and i need more training to get there.  so consider this my formal plea to yogaworks -- boston 500 hr teacher training.  please and thank you!!! 

another update on the teaching front:  another class to add to the roster.  it is also at shanti at the armory in somerville.  it's a community vinyasa flow class, so it's only $6 (cash only) to attend!  every sunday from 4-5pm. it's a really wonderful space and i am very excited to have this class.  so please come!  it's a great (affordable) way to experience the vibe of a yoga studio without having the seeming hassle of having to commit, or to buy a 10-class card or anything like that.  if getting there is an issue, i do drive to the armory, so if you want a lift, i would be happy to provide it!  same offer goes to anyone wanting to attend my breathe and flow class on mondays from 7-8:15pm.  i really hope to get the word out on both of my classes at the armory so if you can come, or you know someone who is in the area, please direct them to my website www.kate-yoga.com for my up to date schedule or to contact me with any questions they might have.

i'm thinking of all of my ywtt f'10-s11 i hope you all are well.  namaste. 

xxx

  

and now for something completely different.

mmmrph.  so much for all of my excitement over having another regular class - no one showed last night.  kind of a downer.  definitely made me question myself and my teaching... but, i am hoping that after labor day things will pick up.  *fingers crossed* that paired with a few other things, which of course i have no control over.  and may very well have nothing to do with me or my "quality" at all, but nevertheless still made me call my worth as a teacher into question, i guess you could say i am a bit insecure. but. i am trying not to equate my worth and my quality of teaching based on whether or not anyone showed to a class at a studio i have only really taught at once.  or anything else i don't really have control over for that matter.  of course this is a completely foreign concept to me, as i usually think i am at fault for not succeeding, which is why you might be able to guess, i wasn't able to stay in the acting game.  the constant rejection hurt my soul too much. 

 in other news i am slowly starting to get settled into my new room (same apartment just switched rooms).  i am super excited about this room switch because this room allows me to have space to do my home practice without having to shift everything in my room to do so.  i have really been lacking in my efforts to have a consistent home practice so i am hoping that having my mat ready, waiting and available will make hopping on it all the more enticing.  of course, i have been so busy i haven't had much time to finish setting up my room past the essentials so there my mat sits rolled up in a corner surrounded by the things i am just not sure what to do with yet.  

in anticipation of the coming free time (ha!) i am starting to look into places to buy some more yoga accessories.  i would like to have a bolster and a blanket  so i could do a restorative practice at home if i so desire - does anyone have any recommendations on where to buy these things?  i have done some pretty general internet searches but i figured actual  recommendations would be best over just choosing any random site that offers something that looks appealing. 


another request for my fellow yogis/teachers out there - as i am starting to teach multiple classes in multiple places i am starting to wonder how others keep track of what they did where?  i will usually have a general idea of what i want to do for each class and/or a focus pose or body area to work on each day, but i feel like if i end up teaching at the same studio the next day, i don't want to accidentally use the same flow lest i be seen as uncreative.  (even though, yes, i do fall in love with certain flows and use them over and over because i think they are just so cool... and i do think that is a good thing i just also want to be sure i am being original enough too you know?) also as i start to incorporate playlists into my teaching i want to be sure i don't use the exact same playlists two times.  i'm thinking i can solve this by just jotting stuff down in a notebook right after class, but if anyone has some amazingly awesome system they have and wouldn't mind sharing, i would be appreciative.  and here's hoping i will be teaching enough classes in the near future that i will need to worry about keeping track of all of these things.  


thanks for reading! hopefully next time around i will be in a bit more of a positive place. 


xxx

ch-ch-ch-changes...

things are chugging right along.  as the summer comes to a close i am always overwhelmed with the feeling of change.  this season more than any other makes me think of new beginnings (i know, isn't that what spring is for?) perhaps it has something to do with the fall and that being when i am so ingrained to know as the time for the new school year, new leases starting and the overall shifting from playtime to business for most of the working world.  

i have been in negotiations for a while with a few different studios/fitness centers to see about working out scheduling to start up a class at their facility.  and so far i have gained one more regular class to my schedule - starting tonight i will be teaching monday nights from 7-8:15pm at shanti at the armory in somerville.  i subbed the class last week and although there was only one person in attendance, i am hoping in the next few weeks i will get a few more people regularly.  it's a beautiful space and i really like the vibe there.  i am very much looking forward to it. 


i am hoping i will have a few more updates for you in the coming days and weeks so stay tuned.  as always i am updating my website with any subbings or new classes www.kate-yoga.com 


until next time. be well. 


xxx
 

sometimes we all need to pause.

i know i have been absent for quite a while on the whole blogging front.  a multitude of things have contributed to this end but, please know this is only but a pause and not a complete stop to my musings.  to be honest, recently, i have felt like i don't have very much to say.  at least nothing i am proud of or feel would be enlightening to others whatsoever.   i haven't (again for many reasons) been able to live or speak from my center lately and it's been causing a lot of turmoil for me.  at first i didn't want to deal with it... we all know how that story ends right? me sobbing non-stop over the smallest things?  yup.  sounds about right.  so now i am trying to take the time and take care of me for a change.  it's something i am not really accustomed to.  it's so much easier for me to give to someone else than to give to myself, not to even mention, to ask for someone to give to me.  

as a good friend of mine recently pointed out, "you need to take care of yourself, because no one else is going to do that for you.  no one else is going to put you first."  and why should they?  it's hard enough to care about someone... but to then be selfless in that caring and giving? why should they?  

so that's where i'm at.   please take my hiatus as i work on some things (and urge myself to believe that i have something to write that others would want to read) as merely a pause.  an expectant pause waiting for a new life.  a new wave of inspiration.  a new hope. 

and with that, i shall leave you with a quote from one of my favorite shakespearean plays: "o time, you must unravel this, not i; for now this knot's too tangled to untie"

i wish you all well.  namaste. 

xxx

my moment of zen part two (or the anatomy of a sunset).

i took these photos last night in about three minute intervals.   enjoy. 

 

 xxx

my moment of zen.

this weekend was supposed to be one filled with friends and relaxation - however due to varying circumstances i find myself on a retreat with none of the expected guests.  i am currently up at my family's cottage in west danville, vermont on joe's pond.  it's a little slice of heaven.  

when i was little, i used to move up here every summer with my family and spent my days playing capture the flag or kickball or blob with the neighbor kids, swimming with my big brother and sister and listening to the rain fall on the thin roof right above my head at night.  no tv channels, and up until this year no internet or cell phone service. there's no better way to spend a summer.  i will be leaving early sunday, a day earlier than planned, for lots of yoga coming my way back in boston, but until then i will enjoy my little slice of heaven and a much needed break. 

here's what i woke up to this morning: (and though it isn't very clear, that is a loon friend hanging out at the end of our dock).

more to come i am sure, as this place is just full of photo ops. :) 

xxx

a day in the life...

today was a busy day in the life of a wanna-be yoga teacher.  recently i've been presented with a few subbing gigs and of course i pounced on them.  however, i got to experience first hand a taste of being a member of the wanna-be self-employed crowd mixed in with the very much full-time employed crowd.  

8-9:45am - work downtown at my desk job
9:45-10:15am - book it on the t from downtown boston to harvard sq, walk to karma yoga. 
10:30-11:45am - teach vinyasa flow at karma yoga
12-1pm - teach another vinyasa flow
1:10-1:20pm - book it back downtown on the t from harvard square
1:20-1:30pm - get caught in a downpour with (of course) no umbrella
1:30-4:30pm -  at the desk job scrambling to get everything i need to together before i... 
4:30-4:50pm - head back on the t to harvard sq to teach
5-6pm - teach my slow-flow vinyasa at wellbridge
6:15-6:30pm - caught a bus home 

after writing that all out i must say - i loved getting to teach three times today.  it was wonderful.  it was only the in between parts that made me feel harried and not on top of my game.  it's hard to find the balance following the path you love and the path that pays the bills.  it reminds me of when my first nephew, liam, was first learning how to get around.  he would be sitting on the floor, then figure out he wanted to go somewhere - rock forward onto all fours and then do this adorable shimmy rock forwards and backwards thing trying to somehow propel himself forward.  and when he didn't magically start to move, he would plop back down on his butt and give out a little whimper.  he could see where he wanted to go and he saw other people going there, he just couldn't quite connect how to do it himself.  but as babies do, he kept trying (who knows how many times) until eventually, and what seems in a blink of an eye, he started going.  

maybe (in a very simplified and elementary view) that is what i am doing now.  shimmying forwards and backwards hoping that one of these times i will just magically propel forward.  hey maybe one of these times it will actually work - now wouldn't that be something?    


xxx

yoga on the charles

yesterday marked the first yoga on the charles class. it's a free class being sponsored by the cambridge river conservancy and runs every sunday this summer until september 5th from 5pm-6pm outside by the charles river on the corner of memorial drive and dewolfe street. lululemon is generously donating 25 mats that they will bring to and from the site every sunday for anyone who needs one to use.  ever since i signed on for this a few months ago,  i have been so excited about this event.

we had a modest turnout, under 20 people but for the first time this being done - not bad.  the main teacher led sunday's class and there seemed to be more assistants than we knew what to do with.  the main teacher's style is not one i am very familiar with, and in all honesty, i cringed a few times with her choices of counter poses or instructions... but you know it's all yoga.  and there's no reason for me to be yogier than thou every style and teacher has their merit even if it isn't my style of choice - so i went with it.  and sadly even with my good intentions i still had the experience that sometimes too many yoga teachers at a class are a little like too many cooks in the kitchen.  i had two people approach me with with seeming territorial run ins which was very unfortunate and a little disappointing.  maybe it is partially my fault for just assuming that like minded people (such as yoga teachers) would give a person the benefit of the doubt and think the best of others and maybe go with the flow a little more.  but maybe not.  i am trying to just let it pass but for some reason these small interactions have just stuck with me right in my gut.  yuck.  moving on.   i can't control anyone else, i can only control myself and how i react to it. 


i will get to teach the class on july 25th - so if you are in the boston/cambridge area, come on out.  i'll rock some flows and vinyasas and it will be a fun time.  

some yogis rocking out at yoga on the charles this week.

xxx

what to do... what to do?

last week i went in for an audition to be a yoga instructor at a to-be-left-nameless community center.  it's about a 30 minute drive from my apartment.  i was pretty excited about it.  until i got there.  during the interview i felt a bit put off .  they weren't rude or anything, but it almost seemed like they were trying to talk me out of taking the position from the start.  it started out innocently enough - asking how far of a commute it was for me, but then they asked how much money i made at my other studios.  when i told them, they almost scoffed and said something to the effect of "we definitely won't be able to pay you that here."  then they emphasized the whole service to the community aspect - which i completely get.  i am not teaching yoga for the money.  though one day i do hope to be able to teach yoga as my sole career. 

after the questions part i did a short class which neither of my interviewers were prepared for - one was in a flouncy skirt and the other was wearing khakis and a button-up long sleeve.  i felt very much like i was going through the motions.  half-way through my sequence a man walked in the room and ended up watching me finish the class.  when i was done he asked if i did any hands on adjustments.  now i realize this is something that people look for, but i was given 10 minutes to teach two people a shortened class (one of which gave up in the first low lunge) - so no, i did not give any hands on adjustments. they weren't able to really do anything due to their clothing and what, am i supposed to point that out in the audition?  so anyway, i smiled and explained that since they weren't really warm i didn't do anything because i didn't know their bodies and they weren't doing anything that would have caused them harm.  

so then he decides he needs to test my knowledge.  he gets into a down dog that looks like a trapezoid.  i give him a few verbal cues and use my hands to guide into a more appropriate down dog which seemed to satisfy him.  

after that they went on to ask me about my drama teaching - and whether or not i would be interested in running a drama class.  which, don't get me wrong.  i loved teaching drama.  but now, i am trying to be a yoga teacher. right?  it was around this point that i finally got to ask a question and come to find that i would be teaching a mixed age class.  meaning, children can come to my class. hmm. i love teaching high school students, but 6 year olds... not so much.

they make another push to tell me that  working at a community center makes you a better person and many people go on to do wonderful things.  then they shuffle me out and have me fill out forms so they can check to see if i am a kidnapper or something. 

when i left i felt kind of icky.  like i wasn't interviewed but rather tested.  i told a few people about how strange it was, shook it off and went on with my life.  thinking they wouldn't contact me again.  now over a week later, i get an e-mail.  of course they want me.  so now i feel like i am at an impasse.  my first instinct, is that i wasn't comfortable there.  why should i put myself in a position where i am going out of my way (30 minute drive) for nothing more than experience really?  while experience is grand, and i know i just wrote a whole post about hungry i am to gain it, but at what point do you realize that you need to stop compromising yourself out of fear.  

i haven't been unemployed, not for even a day since i graduated college.  i've been employed in one form or another since i was 15.  one of the biggest reasons why is that i am scared.  i accept things when they are offered if i think i can't do better.  

so.  what to do?  all of my instincts are telling me that this isn't right.  not right now.  but, even so, how do i avoid feeling that dreaded guilt the moment that i decline.  i can see myself now, kicking myself, saying, someone wanted to pay me (some little amount that they seem to think they told me but they definitely did not) to do the thing i love, and i turned it down.  and cue the ticking clock of my goal to be teaching at least three times a week within the year... and yes, that is going to paint an ugly picture indeed. 

so, seriously.  what to do?  

xxx

it ain't easy being green...

have you seen that commercial?  you know the one where some green energy company talks about how green has changed from merely a color to a way to be, to a lifestyle?  after thinking about it green really does have so many meanings: from being environmentally friendly, similarly green is obviously linked to nature... but it is also linked to being jealous (green eyed monster), ill (green around the gills), prosperity (the color of money), envy (green with envy), and to being new and inexperienced.  

 this last one is of course what i am referring to when i borrow one of my favorite muppet's line - "it ain't easy being green." 

lately i have been feeling a bit frustrated at my own lack of prowess and experience teaching yoga.  being the person i am, i am ready and eager to move forward and soak up anything i can to help me progress - but sadly, it seems that those opportunities are few and far between. it's true i can't yell at a seed to give me fruit... but what happens when there is no water to nurture the seed? 

this morning i received my paperwork from the yoga alliance which proves that i am a "registered yoga teacher" (ryt - if you will)  the purpose of aligning yourself with the yoga alliance is to buy those three letters (ryt) along with an emblem to put after your name to signify that you are serious about your teaching and prove that you meet all of the requirements set forth by the alliance of being a yoga teacher.  

anyway, whilst perusing their website i came across this link under the heading of choosing your yoga teacher. this form designed to help inquiring students figure out a beneficial teacher by giving them some guidelines of things to ask your teacher and what the answers should be.  i think this is a great tool, however i couldn't help but notice that they specifically point out that your yoga teacher should have at least three years of consistent practice before they start teaching.  now i do not disagree with this, at all.  it just simply made me re-realize that i don't have that.  before starting my training i had just over one year of consistent practice under my belt.  of the people in my training i was one of the newbies, i think only i and one other had such little consistent experience going in.  though, of course i went through the training and did quite well throughout i did miss that sense of already knowing.  

when i decided to go to college to get a theater degree i had already been practicing theater (not to mention teaching theater) for at least 6 years.  i was comfortable in my base knowledge.  i can't help but feel a twinge of regret that i have not had a consistent practice for longer.  though i have been aware of yoga and used it in a recreational sense - i don't have that sense of knowing. 

of course regret doesn't change anything.  onward i go - clutching the idea that "everything happens the way it is supposed to" close and hoping that perhaps one day in the not too distant future, i will start to see some sprouts from this seed of mine.  

with hope.

xxx

a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

i've been on a roll with my yoga practice this week.  i've either practiced or taught every day since friday of last week, and it feels great! even though some days i have felt a bit sore or like i would rather catch up on my sleep - it's been invigorating to just keep going.  tonight i think i will be checking out a new studio (to me) karma yoga in harvard square.  i am subbing there next week (three whole classes!) and i figured it would be good if i checked out the space before i walk in next friday to teach.  also it's always good spread your wings and see what else is out there.  though i love my current studio, i'm sure there are many more studios and teachers i will fall in love with should i give them a chance. 

in other recent news - i am in the process of planning another yoga photo shoot, which is exciting.  i need to think about what poses will work best artistically as well as physically for me.  sadly due to a lifetime of ignoring my tight hamstrings, and only a few years of trying to open them back up... i can't do most of the cool, aesthetically pleasing poses that most teachers do in their photos.  and my arm balances are iffy.  so right now i am planning for a lot of back-bends, probably some twists... and i'm not sure what else.  any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated!  

on a related note, in preparation for said photo shoot, i am thinking about doing a sort of cleanse.  not like a master cleanse or anything like that - my body does not tolerate it when i don't feed it.  i get nauseous and am pretty miserable to be around - so that's out.  but i have been thinking for a few weeks about doing a week of eating only non-processed foods.  focusing on eating fruits, veggies, nuts and whole grains.  i incorporate a lot of those in my diet now but i definitely don't eat them exclusively.  i have heard a lot of great things from friends who have done similar "cleanses" so perhaps i will give it a shot and write about it.  so, stay tuned for that.

before i sign off i have a few classes where people can actually come without being a member of anything like that so here's a shameless "here's where i am teaching and when" plug:  

• sunday, 06/27 4:30p-5:30p slow-flow vinyasa at the lily pad in cambridge, $10.
• friday, 07/02 10:30a-11:45a vinyasa (flow) at karma yoga in cambridge, $15 drop-in.   
• friday, 07/02 12:00p-1:00p vinyasa (flow) at karma yoga in cambridge, $15 drop-in.
• saturday, 07/03 10a-11:15a hatha yoga at karma yoga in cambridge, $15 drop-in

i'd love to see some familiar faces!  so come play!  

xxx

but, but... i want it!

i've recently discovered online resellers.  it started innocently enough a few days ago.  i had been looking for a yoga halter top for a while now and when i posted something on the lululemon facebook page asking if they would ever make one - someone referred me to another facebook page called the lululemon exchange, saying you can find many sold out items there.  basically people post ads of items they have and how much they want for them.  i think this discovery will probably be a problem.  i've already ordered two tops...  as if i didn't already have enough trouble spending more money than i should at lululemon (cause i love me some high quality, good looking yoga clothes).  this facebook page has of course led me to what others have been telling me about for so long... that's right - ebay.  i am starting off slow cause i know if i don't keep myself in check this could turn into a real problem.  i am currently stalking one item a dance pulse wrap that i've seen on the lulu website but don't really care for either of the current colors being offered. here's a picture of it in a dark grey (though the one i have my eye on is a light grey).  isn't it pretty? 

if i do come out successful in this acquisition, i am going to have to take a break for a while.  three items ordered and then i went into the store yesterday and bought two other things.  yikes! how easy it is to get caught up in the drunkenness of wanting things.  i may be a yoga teacher, but i am also human.  at least i will put these purchases to good use by getting good and sweaty in 'em.     

xxx

planting seeds.

i had the great opportunity to take a workshop at back bay yoga yesterday and today with raghunath cappo.  (check the picture to the right - yup that's him - how bad-ass is that?)

the workshop focused mainly on a strong vinyasa practice with a hefty dose of handstands (my asana nemesis at the moment).  though i usually tend to avoid classes or workshops that focus on my weakness (ie. arm balances and inversions) i am so glad that i didn't let me ego get in the way this time.  it was wonderful.  i was not able to do half of the stuff that was demoed in this workshop but i did my best.  and one thing that raghunath said that i will carry with me throughout my practice is: you are planting the seeds.  don't worry if you can't do this right now - there's no point in yelling at an apple seed to make apples.  you need to plant it and let it grow.  everyone in this room is at a different place, either planting or growing or watching a flower bloom or finding the fruit or harvesting and that's great.  we all have to start somewhere.  

so even though i was falling more than flying (or rather, not falling but being great as raghunath calls it) i kept on trying.  and even though i was sweating more than one could think possible (i literally looked like i had been ambushed by a group of young bandits wielding super-soakers) i kept on trying, cause what do i have to lose?  

another great point he made is you never know how far you are away from achieving what you want.  in terms of asana, perhaps this next time you can jump straight up into handstand - you don't know.  that is, until you try.  perhaps it won't be this next time, but it will be your hundredth try - who knows.  you just gotta keep keeping on.    

at one point during the practice, and yes i was already drenched in my own sweat, we transitioned to warrior 2 and were told that we were going to hold it there for one minute.  now, one minute may not seem like a long time, but lord, after you have already been working hard it seems like an eternity.  raghunath addressed this upfront.  "your mind is probably not  going to want to you to stay in that pose for that long, but that's okay -  change your mind."  ha.  just change my mind and that will will my limbs from involuntarily shaking... sure.... that sounds reasonable.  so once we found our footing he invited us to close our eyes and focus on either counting slowly or repeating a mantra - it will help he assured.  so i started slowly counting to 10.  s l o w l y.   by the time i hit 7 he offered a mantra "not the body, not the mind but something divine."  and i fell in love with that.  so after i rolled that around in my mind once or twice - we were already done.  my arms didn't shake, my front leg didn't buckle under my effort.  that was totally doable!  


after finishing the practice and coming home, i thought about that mantra again "not the body, not the mind but something divine."  in yogic philosophy, we are not characterized by anything that one would normally throw out there in western culture.  for example, i am not a young female, five feet five inches - but rather that is simply my body - that is my little "s" self which is merely the vessel for what i really am, what we call our big "s" self.  my soul.  our little "s" self is constantly in flux, our bodies cells are constantly changing, but our big "s" self exists above that.  i (big "s" self) am not my body, i have a body but i am not my body, i (big "s" self) am not my mind, i have a mind but i am not my mind, but rather, i am something divine.  how wonderful to be freed from something that for so long i have felt defines me.  this body is a gift, a vessel for me to experience the world and i should treat it as such rather than constantly berating myself for it not looking a certain way or not bending a certain way.  

i've had a great opportunity of planting lots of seeds this weekend and i can't wait to have them start to grow.  i know that on my path to better my practice, and better myself i will be challenged and maybe even renounce these thoughts due to frustration and anger over things i cannot control - it's okay.  just because i don't believe them every second of every day doesn't mean it still isn't true.  the physical world is in constant flux.  there is nothing you can possess in this world that cannot and will not be taken from you. the only thing that can't be taken away from you is your ability to give and share love.  


so i invite you, whether or not any of these ideas speak to you or if you think it's all a bunch of hooey - give and share love.  it will make this world, ever changing as it is, a better place.  


light and love all of you.  namaste.  


xxx

blessed.

i've taught four classes in the last five days.  and i will get to teach for the next three days in a row.  i am so blessed and thankful to be able to share my practice and my love of yoga with others.  (though i could and normally would) go into a tail spin about how many teachers, who i aspire to be like, knock out 7 classes in only two days rather than a lengthy eight... i won't).  i am simply going to enjoy my classes as they come and keep on spreading love, light and joy to anyone who rolls a mat down in my class.  

xxx

how did the rhinoceros get his skin anyway?

in my lack of updates, i have been busy plugging away trying to find more places to teach and learn yoga.  lately i have been struggling with an all too common feeling of being "less than."  in this time, it's hard not to feel like that, especially if you are in the unique position of trying to market yourself for a job.  let me just tell you if you aren't in this position: it's tough goings out there.  it feels like every day i am sending my yoga resume to someone just asking for just the opportunity to show them what i can do - and yet no responses come my way.  the few leads that i have happened across where someone actually took the time to respond to me, simply ended in an elaborate way of them saying "not this time."  


you'd think with my past experience, being an actor, that i would be used to this sort of thing.  that my skin would be as thick as a rhinoceros... but alas - this is not the case.  i have a horrible habit of getting excited about something (that is usually at best a distant possibility) and then easily get discouraged when opportunity evades me.  this is one of the biggest reasons i couldn't take being a professional actor.  i don't think i would have been able to get out of bed in the morning if i had to keep up with all of the very personal feeling rejection.  it's a weakness, and here i thought i had eluded it.  well, the universe thinks otherwise.  as is generally the case, avoidance is usually not the best answer to your problems, guess this means i actually have to stand up and deal with these emotions.  

as i write this, i am reminded of an earlier post where i talked about the bhagavad gita.   krishna tells arjuna to "take the action, let go of the result."  maybe if i can get myself to really believe this - i won't need to wonder how the rhinoceros got it's skin anymore.  



"take the action, let go of the result..." breathe. repeat.  

xxx 

nearest and dearest.

one of my nearest and dearest (not to mention oldest) friends, artist hannah hamilton, made some amazing designs for me for my birthday - which she is converting into business cards for me.  check out her designs and her website.  :)   she's pretty awesome. (and yes this is the same amazing lady who assisted in designing my tattoo). 

i could not love these more if i tried.  

xxx

updates

i've once again updated my website - the first incarnation unfortunately didn't work out business/monetary-wise so... check it out again!  www.kate-yoga.com (!!!) 

also i am officially subbing at a yoga studio - yoga energy in dedham square, ma.  keep checking my website for my most up to date teaching schedule. 

that's it for now.  until next time here's a picture that makes me smile.   

xxx

more questions than answers.

this week i have been pondering: how do yoga teachers keep themselves in balance?  as someone who leads others through a journey of being true to themselves while releasing tensions both mental and physical, how do you cope when you are struggling in your own life either on or off the mat?  


on my way to teach class this week i found myself presented with a particularly stressful and upsetting phone call.  with only minutes before i needed to head into the studio and start class, i struggled to equalize myself so that i felt like i could be a helpful teacher.  i sat quietly for as long as i could trying to free my mind and heart from the disruption and carried on, as best i could.  i wish i could say that this class went just as well as any other and i was successful in my attempts to clear my mind.  unfortunately, after class was over all i felt was failure.  like i didn't bring my "a" game and i had failed my students because of that.  i will never know if any of the students noticed but, what will continue to haunt me is that, i did.

ever since i have been wondering, how does a teacher balance being both human and being a guide?  of course part of teaching yoga is showing that you are human.  showing your students that yoga accepts you just the way that you are regardless of what day you were having or how tight your muscles feel.  but, on the other hand, isn't it also partially presentational?  not that you wouldn't be honest but you might also try to sugar coat it.  i mean, i surely wouldn't feel too comfortable coming into a class with a teacher who seemed emotionally unstable.  for example, when i used to wait tables, the customers don't care what kind of day you are having, they just want to have the best experience possible.  don't my students deserve that much?  

while i understand there is something to be gained from using your life experiences (good and bad) in your teaching and learning; some of my most dynamic scenes as an actor have been realized while i was drawing from my personal bank of life experiences.  but, in the heat of the moment - i was neither poised nor wise enough to draw from this fresh altercation and turn it into something useful.  


i honestly don't know what to make of it all, but i hope that with time, an answer will present itself.  perhaps for now, it is good enough just to ask the questions. 

xxx

yoga journal boston conference: part two

i'll admit it.  i was more excited for day two than i was for day one.  day two consisted of all teachers i had heard of and was pretty sure i would enjoy taking classes with.  

i started the day out with seane corn - another yogaworks trained teacher.  seane was leading a class on anahata flow: exploring the fourth chakra (the heart chakra).  it was run pretty similarly to most other vinyasa style classes i have been to and she for the most part stuck with the yogaworks method of sequencing.  she uses a lot more spirituality in her teaching - prayers, affirmations stuff like that.  which usually makes me a little uncomfortable but this really wasn't that off putting to me.  this was also the first class i was adjusted in.  which i appreciate.  it's nice to have the teacher physically touching you - helps you to feel like you were noticed.  

next class was with physical therapist and yoga teacher julie gudmestad.  natasha talked about her a lot during the training and we read tons of articles from the seven years she wrote a column for yoga journal.  it was awesome to put a person to the name.  her class was focusing on the core muscles.  my core is definitely a weak spot of mine, so i was happy to have a physical therapist actually go through a regimen that she uses for her patients.  i'll definitely need to stick with these exercises for a few weeks before i attempt to start teaching them in my own class but, it's nice to have something specific you are working actively working on.  

during my three hour break i grabbed a few small things and went outside to one of the numerous roof gardens in the prudential.  though it was a might bit windy for my taste, it was nice to get outside and sit in the sun even for a few minutes.  i circled through the marketplace one last time, and indulged myself in a new mat bag from manduka (the same company that made my mat - which i love).  

for the final class of the conference i went back for some more natasha.  she was leading a twisting class and so help me, i love to twist.  as expected this class was the perfect way to end a yoga-filled weekend.  there were a bunch of familiar faces and i learned so much from watching natasha do her "looking at bodies" thing she does so well.  it really is invaluable to watch someone so gifted helping a student with alignment so specifically as a teacher myself.  i can only hope that one day i will be able to be as helpful to my students.  

now i realize i failed to take any pictures on the second day, but here's my reasoning: i was so engrossed in the classes, i didn't even have the thought to whip out the iphone.  i know, i know - bad blogger.  

xxx

yoga journal boston conference: part one

despite every good intention of coming straight home after each conference day this weekend to chronicle my experience, i was just too darn tired and hungry to do anything but eat and go to bed when i got home this weekend. 

all that being said - the conference was a blast.  friday night i sat at the yogaworks booth and chatted with interested parties about teacher training and why yogaworks is so great.  i also got this great shirt for my time it simply said "yogaworks it's that simple." here's a picture of the booth.

all throughout the weekend i kept running into yoga friends, which was so awesome.  it was great to see people and know that i had a place in this community even if i still feel pretty new to the yoga world.  

saturday i got up stupid early for the weekend (6:30) and made my way to the conference.  i was lucky enough to catch the elusive 1 bus that runs from cambridge down massachusetts avenue right downtown to hynes convention center which is a mere block away from the conference.  i grabbed a breakfast sandwich and made my way to my first class.  

i followed my little map they gave to us in our programs for the weekend and found myself in on of the sheraton's many ballrooms.  a small elevated stage was set up in the front of the room and blue painters tape had been laid down forming rectangles on the carpet just large enough to fit a mat and a few props.   

here's a (blurry... sorry) picture of my first class was with leslie kaminoff author of yoga anatomy.  his class was mainly on the individualizing a yoga practice by focusing on each individual student's breath. another thing he really wanted more teachers to do is to allow students to make decisions throughout the class to start on whatever side they want to.  so for example, you say come up into warrior I and each student should decide which foot they want to be their front foot.  this means that the entire class would be on one foot or another and then all of the teacher's instructions would have to be adjusted so that it would work if you were practicing with either your right foot or left foot forward.  while i agree that it would be freeing to a class to let them have free reign in their practice like that - there is a reason people come to a yoga class.  for instruction.  i don't mind if people adjust or modify to their own liking but i feel like in my classes, students look to other students for guidance if they don't quite understand what they are supposed to be doing... and that's a lot easier if everyone is practicing on the same side.  he did bring up something that i will be carrying along with me as a teacher - to ask more questions during the class.  rather than saying something like - "you should feel a stretch in your hip-flexor"  simply ask or guide student's by saying something like "notice where you are feeling the sensation in this pose." 


next class was backbending with natasha rizopoulos.  it was so wonderful to practice with her again.  while everything she said was what i remembered from the training it was so wonderful/interesting watching other people take in these thoughts for the first time.  minds being blown all over the place.  she worked the room much like she did during the training, holding one student in a pose and helping them with alignment while others watch.  got to do one of my favorite poses urdvha danurasana (that really intense backbend in my pictures i had posted before). 


then we had a nice three hour break.  i ran into a few friends from the training and had lunch with them.  we sat outside, ate and caught up.  then off i went to lululemon to browse. ended up getting a new pair of leggings and a lightweight jacket.  it was a glorious break. 


my final class of the day was on chakras for emotional health with gary krafstow.  and that was... interesting.  i guess i was hoping for it to be a bit more linear and to come out with a better understanding of the chakras and how they can be made more balanced.  rather, we talked a lot about the history and everything got a bit convoluted.  then after a long discussion we did a bit of viniyoga practice... i wasn't sure what to expect going in and coming out... from that practice i am not really enticed to explore it further.  granted i only got a 45 minute tasting of it but at least from that i have an idea of what it is and know that it's not something i need to be doing right now.  which is useful in the grand scheme of things.  




xxx

yoga journal conference: boston

yoga journal conference is this weekend!  6 hours of yoga a day for two days?  yes please!

tonight i will be heading over to the sheraton in boston to kick the weekend off.  i'll be sitting at the yogaworks booth to help spread the gospel of their teacher training program.  hopefully i will have a few minutes to check out the other booths and check out the yoga shopping.  (yes i'm a dork.  and i don't care).  

i will be taking notes, hopefully snapping a few pictures to share and learning my butt off so i will have some cool new things to incorporate to my classes.  

so stay tuned: i'm planning on posting a retrospective for each day (that is if i am not too exhausted from all the yoga!) 

xxx

hope springs eternal

 

it's official: it's finally spring.  or so they say.  the biblical amount of rain in boston lately would make one presume otherwise.  but i suppose hoping and believing will pay off in the end.  speaking of, i found out yesterday that i will be taking over my very own class at the wellbridge athletic club in harvard square!  i'll be teaching a slow-flow vinyasa class monday's from 5-6pm.  i had been subbing this particular class for about a month now when the group exercise coordinator suggested to the regular teacher that perhaps rather than having me sub all the time, that i should be put on the schedule.  and much to my surprise, the regular teacher agreed and handed the class over. 

so things are starting slowly but surely. this last monday, for the first time i really felt like i was being more myself while i was teaching.  saying things the way that i wanted to say them rather than searching for the words.  perhaps knowing there was a possibility that i would make this class my own helped me to settle in more as i taught, i guess we will see if my theory proves true when next week's class rolls around.  

in other news i have had a meeting with a new gym and a studio in the last two weeks to see about getting a position teaching.  the studio, located in dedham (a 30 minute drive) has already told me that they want to have me on the sub list and will be making more firm plans about everything mid-april-may-ish.    the gym will be opening in west newton in mid-april and i should be hearing something any day now.  i was supposed to hear last week, but that turned into this week and now who knows.  i am hopeful, but trying not to be attached to anything.  i'd love to get more experience and more teaching slots during the week, but i realize i am pretty green - which is a hard sell.  so, much like waiting for the sun to come back out, all i can do is believe is that it will all happen in it's own time.  

so here's hoping.  for more forward motion.  for some sun.  and for some much needed joy.  

xxx

new site

after wrestling around with purchasing a domain name, creating my site through iweb on my new computer (many many thanks to all who have donated), finding a web hosting service, then figuring out how to upload my site up onto said hosting service, i was finally able to launch my website last night.  it's fairly simple as of now, so any suggestions or comments on what should be added or anything like that, are more than welcome.

so without further ado, please check out my new site: www.kate-yoga.com (!!!)

also i have two subbed classes under my belt and will be subbing a slow-flow vinyasa class again tonight at wellbridge athletic club from 5-6pm. 

xxx

finally...

as i've written about before, i've never been all that comfortable with my body or really myself most of the time.  i am always trying to improve myself.  i joke i don't do new year's resolutions.  firstly because i don't like the whole "i'm gonna lose ten pounds this year" thing and also because i am constantly working through a dozen or so "resolutions" that i start at varying times throughout the year.  but this new year's i did have one thing that i wanted to work on.  i decided that i would learn to be okay with spending more money.  i know this sounds like the complete opposite of what most people resolve to do, but here's my reasoning: 

i used to never like to spend very much money on myself, partly due to my lacking funds, but also because i never wanted to commit to something so pricey if i felt like i was unworthy of it.  meaning, i shouldn't get more pricey and nicer clothes yet because i am in the process of trying to lose weight, because i wasn't yet worthy of something so nice. 

ever since i was a teenager i have wanted a tattoo.  i've gone through many ideas of what and where and how, but i always wanted one.  i wanted one even after my father told me that if i ever got one "it had better be small, because i will cut it off."  but i've always pushed it off thinking that i didn't deserve it.  thinking i wasn't ready for it.  thinking i needed to be "better" before i did something so huge.

but that all changed about 6 months ago.  that's when i decided that this would be my year.  i would be finished with the yoga training, i would be approaching a milestone birthday and i finally had a grasp on what i wanted and where.  elephants are (and have been for as long as i can remember) my favorite animal.  throughout my life the symbolism of elephants has become increasingly important to me.  and during the training the chant "aum" really began to speak to me.  there are so many interpretations i have heard, but my favorite is that aum is the vibration that caused the universe to form.  it represents everything that is, that has been and that will be.  so it was natural that i ask my dear friend hannah to help me design something.  

 as we walked to fat ram's pumpkin tattoo in jamaica plain, i remember telling her how crazy it was that i was actually finally getting my tattoo.  it's almost as if it's a sign that i have started to get to a place where i am no longer waiting for myself to get "better" or be "better."  this thing is permanent and in my heart of hearts i knew it was right for me to get it and to me, that signals that perhaps something major has shifted.  perhaps i have started to accept myself more just the way i am today, rather than waiting for an imagined tomorrow where i'm a supposed improved version of myself.  and maybe, just maybe this is the beginning of true self acceptance. 

this is my ganesh/aum.  (ganesh for those of you playing at home is the hindu elephant-headed god.  he is known to be the remover of obstacles).  this tattoo is a reworking of the traditional aum symbol with a ganesh/elephant spin.  it hurt like heck, but it's mine and i couldn't be happier with it. 

xxx