what to do... what to do?

last week i went in for an audition to be a yoga instructor at a to-be-left-nameless community center.  it's about a 30 minute drive from my apartment.  i was pretty excited about it.  until i got there.  during the interview i felt a bit put off .  they weren't rude or anything, but it almost seemed like they were trying to talk me out of taking the position from the start.  it started out innocently enough - asking how far of a commute it was for me, but then they asked how much money i made at my other studios.  when i told them, they almost scoffed and said something to the effect of "we definitely won't be able to pay you that here."  then they emphasized the whole service to the community aspect - which i completely get.  i am not teaching yoga for the money.  though one day i do hope to be able to teach yoga as my sole career. 

after the questions part i did a short class which neither of my interviewers were prepared for - one was in a flouncy skirt and the other was wearing khakis and a button-up long sleeve.  i felt very much like i was going through the motions.  half-way through my sequence a man walked in the room and ended up watching me finish the class.  when i was done he asked if i did any hands on adjustments.  now i realize this is something that people look for, but i was given 10 minutes to teach two people a shortened class (one of which gave up in the first low lunge) - so no, i did not give any hands on adjustments. they weren't able to really do anything due to their clothing and what, am i supposed to point that out in the audition?  so anyway, i smiled and explained that since they weren't really warm i didn't do anything because i didn't know their bodies and they weren't doing anything that would have caused them harm.  

so then he decides he needs to test my knowledge.  he gets into a down dog that looks like a trapezoid.  i give him a few verbal cues and use my hands to guide into a more appropriate down dog which seemed to satisfy him.  

after that they went on to ask me about my drama teaching - and whether or not i would be interested in running a drama class.  which, don't get me wrong.  i loved teaching drama.  but now, i am trying to be a yoga teacher. right?  it was around this point that i finally got to ask a question and come to find that i would be teaching a mixed age class.  meaning, children can come to my class. hmm. i love teaching high school students, but 6 year olds... not so much.

they make another push to tell me that  working at a community center makes you a better person and many people go on to do wonderful things.  then they shuffle me out and have me fill out forms so they can check to see if i am a kidnapper or something. 

when i left i felt kind of icky.  like i wasn't interviewed but rather tested.  i told a few people about how strange it was, shook it off and went on with my life.  thinking they wouldn't contact me again.  now over a week later, i get an e-mail.  of course they want me.  so now i feel like i am at an impasse.  my first instinct, is that i wasn't comfortable there.  why should i put myself in a position where i am going out of my way (30 minute drive) for nothing more than experience really?  while experience is grand, and i know i just wrote a whole post about hungry i am to gain it, but at what point do you realize that you need to stop compromising yourself out of fear.  

i haven't been unemployed, not for even a day since i graduated college.  i've been employed in one form or another since i was 15.  one of the biggest reasons why is that i am scared.  i accept things when they are offered if i think i can't do better.  

so.  what to do?  all of my instincts are telling me that this isn't right.  not right now.  but, even so, how do i avoid feeling that dreaded guilt the moment that i decline.  i can see myself now, kicking myself, saying, someone wanted to pay me (some little amount that they seem to think they told me but they definitely did not) to do the thing i love, and i turned it down.  and cue the ticking clock of my goal to be teaching at least three times a week within the year... and yes, that is going to paint an ugly picture indeed. 

so, seriously.  what to do?  

xxx