what a difference a day makes...

a day after i wrote my last post, i got an e-mail from natasha letting me know that i had indeed passed my teacher training! (i passed!  i passed, i passed, i passed!!! - and yes i did chant that while jumping up and down the moment i found out).  i was mostly sure that i was going to pass, but it is nice to get actual confirmation.  that's what i get for feeling down on myself... good news.  (this, i could get used to).

fittingly, my exam was waiting for me in my mailbox when i got home that night. i got a 99 on the in class exam and a 90 on the take home. (!!!) damn... what was i worried about?  i guess i knew more than i thought. 

it's been a busy few days following that e-mail and i want to share all of it, but it will have to wait another day or two so i can really dedicate some time to the telling of it all.

until next time: light and love. thank you all for your support during these last few months.  every kind word and thought have meant much more than you can know. 

xxx

the hurrier i go the behinder i get.

it's been almost two weeks since the training has ended.  

at first when the end was in sight, besides of course being deeply sad it was over, i was a little relieved to have some weekends off.  (ha, right).  my weekends are pretty much booked at this point until the end of march, doing all those things that i said i would do "when i had more time, when the training is over."

besides the whole not having so much free time thing, i have been really stressing over finding my next step after the training.  i have been so happy for my friends from the training who have found classes to either teach or sub; but i can't help but think that i'm lagging behind.  like there's some secret that they all have been clued into that has been withheld from me.  

i just want to teach.  i love yoga.  i know i can teach it and teach it well, can't someone please just give me the chance to do it?  it seems like even though it's only been two weeks i am somehow already behind.  

as these thoughts swirl my mind, i am constantly reminded of something natasha said all throughout the training: everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to." 

goodness i hope so... 

xxx

the final weekend: day two.

after the few hours of sleep i managed to get, i woke up at 7:30 on sunday.  this is generally early for me on a yoga weekend so i stayed tucked in my bed trying to quiet my ever spinning mind.  

at the incessant meowing and scratching at my door from millie cat i finally rose to greet the final day of teacher training.  

as i entered the second floor studio at back bay yoga, the energy was bouncing off the walls.  everyone was nervously talking and planning and prepping for their teaching practicum.  when natasha finally got us settled in she read us a quote (of which i have become much enamored).  it's been credited to both marianne williamson and nelson mandela:

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of God. your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. we were born to manifest the glory of God within us. it’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

and then on we continued, 36 of us - teaching one pose at a time for five minutes a piece. and it was so beautiful.  hearing everyone you could tell how much they cared and how much love and work they had put into these five minutes.  and everyone in the room practicing beamed love and support to whoever was teaching, it was really an event i won't soon forget.  while the whole practicum took almost five hours, part of me didn't want it to be over.  during savasana, natasha read us the poem ithaca by cavafy saying that not only was it one of her favorites, but it also felt very appropriate for the teacher trainings: 

"When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber, and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca on your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what these Ithacas mean." 

as she read i felt a lump rise up in my throat and two tears rolled down out from under the towel i had placed over my eyelids.  i breathed out a large sigh to try to release the knot in my throat.  slowly we all rolled up and took a short break.  

when we reconvened we were passed out small tea light candles from natasha and then all shared a sutra that really spoke to us over the training.  as i heard everyone sharing, i was amazed at how the sutras really can speak to so many people in so many different ways.  the word sutra literally means thread, and are written in a very open ended manner so that each reader can then place their own "beads" of meaning. 

we finally ended with natasha telling us to light our candles with an certain intention to commit to a particular area of self-study moving forward and as we made this commitment, to blow our candles out.   the room quieted and we chanted om together one last time.  and at the very end, when we all opened our eyes.  no one even moved.  we just looked around the circle, not wanting for it to end.  

but finally one by one we got up, stretched our legs and started to depart to our separate corners of the world.  all hoping to see one another again, and believing that this is not the end, but just another beginning. 

 yogaworks teacher trainees boston sept 2009-feb 2010

namaste. 

xxx 

the final weekend. day one.

the final weekend of teacher training was nothing if not exhausting, both physically and emotionally.  

on saturday we started the day off with a visit from jasmine, one of the assistant teachers, and her new baby (born just a few weeks ago!).  then we did a mala.  a "mala" is 108 sun salutes.  for those of you not familiar with what a sun salute is; it's a series of poses linked together by breath and movement.  you start in tadasana and then inhale to your first pose, exhale to the second and so on until the final pose then you exhale and return to tadasana. 

(yes i did that on paint, and no i am not proud but a visual was necessary).  

so we did that.  108 times.  in a row.  and holy hamstrings.  i've been gimping around the last four days.  

though the mala was exhausting, and i am still feeling it's effects, it was amazing to be in a room with 40 other people all of us breathing as one and going through the same set of poses at the same time with no one talking except for natasha's calling of "forty-two" or whatever number we happened to be starting.  the energy in that room as we completed the last ten salutes was incredible, and i will always remember it. 

after the mala we went on to the in class exam.  the in class exam was what was making me most nervous about this weekend.  and though i know i didn't get 100%, i am pretty confident it went well. but, me being me, i probably will be wondering about it until i get my letter of completion.  

i didn't sleep well that night.  all i could do was toss and turn and think about the test.  even as i did this i kept reminding myself "i took the action, now i need to let go of the result."   

easier said than done...  

xxx

it's time to try defying gravity

this weekend is the culmination of the last six months of my life.  this of course means that this last week i have been pretty useless doing anything but 1.) work. 2.) studying. 

see exhibit below:

here lies a majority of the materials we've worked with the last six months along with, of course, millie cat.  my roommates' cat loves to "help" me study.  this is generally done by her sitting on whatever book i happen to be looking at and purring at me expectantly.  this goes on until i pick up another book, then she just starts rubbing her face on the back of said book.  she just wants to feel included in the process, i think. 

whenever some large test (metaphorical or literal) comes up, i always go through the phase of "cramming" where i frantically try to prepare and learn everything i should have learned over the course of six months.  this method works about as well as when you crank the oven up to bake the cookies faster... while it may sound good in theory, it doesn't really have the effect you were hoping for.   then when the stress starts to hit, and my bed starts to call to me sweetly - i realize (mostly out of sheer exhaustion though i like to think of it as more of a zen awakening) that whatever is meant to be, will be.   

so here i go.  this has been a wonderful step, where it will lead, i don't know... but i can't wait to find out. 

"it's time to trust my instincts. close my eyes and leap."

xxx