finally...

as i've written about before, i've never been all that comfortable with my body or really myself most of the time.  i am always trying to improve myself.  i joke i don't do new year's resolutions.  firstly because i don't like the whole "i'm gonna lose ten pounds this year" thing and also because i am constantly working through a dozen or so "resolutions" that i start at varying times throughout the year.  but this new year's i did have one thing that i wanted to work on.  i decided that i would learn to be okay with spending more money.  i know this sounds like the complete opposite of what most people resolve to do, but here's my reasoning: 

i used to never like to spend very much money on myself, partly due to my lacking funds, but also because i never wanted to commit to something so pricey if i felt like i was unworthy of it.  meaning, i shouldn't get more pricey and nicer clothes yet because i am in the process of trying to lose weight, because i wasn't yet worthy of something so nice. 

ever since i was a teenager i have wanted a tattoo.  i've gone through many ideas of what and where and how, but i always wanted one.  i wanted one even after my father told me that if i ever got one "it had better be small, because i will cut it off."  but i've always pushed it off thinking that i didn't deserve it.  thinking i wasn't ready for it.  thinking i needed to be "better" before i did something so huge.

but that all changed about 6 months ago.  that's when i decided that this would be my year.  i would be finished with the yoga training, i would be approaching a milestone birthday and i finally had a grasp on what i wanted and where.  elephants are (and have been for as long as i can remember) my favorite animal.  throughout my life the symbolism of elephants has become increasingly important to me.  and during the training the chant "aum" really began to speak to me.  there are so many interpretations i have heard, but my favorite is that aum is the vibration that caused the universe to form.  it represents everything that is, that has been and that will be.  so it was natural that i ask my dear friend hannah to help me design something.  

 as we walked to fat ram's pumpkin tattoo in jamaica plain, i remember telling her how crazy it was that i was actually finally getting my tattoo.  it's almost as if it's a sign that i have started to get to a place where i am no longer waiting for myself to get "better" or be "better."  this thing is permanent and in my heart of hearts i knew it was right for me to get it and to me, that signals that perhaps something major has shifted.  perhaps i have started to accept myself more just the way i am today, rather than waiting for an imagined tomorrow where i'm a supposed improved version of myself.  and maybe, just maybe this is the beginning of true self acceptance. 

this is my ganesh/aum.  (ganesh for those of you playing at home is the hindu elephant-headed god.  he is known to be the remover of obstacles).  this tattoo is a reworking of the traditional aum symbol with a ganesh/elephant spin.  it hurt like heck, but it's mine and i couldn't be happier with it. 

xxx