the void.

i caught myself getting sucked down into the void today.  the void of darkness, where negative thoughts lie... just waiting to tear apart any shred of positive, self empowered thought to teeny tiny pieces.  

if you have read my blog, you might recall that since grade school i have struggled with self esteem issues.  so, it can be very easy for me, even as an adult (and even as a yoga practitioner/teacher) to revert to a place where if i see someone succeeding (especially in an arena that i desperately want to succeed at as well) i turn that person's success into my failure.  my failure to not work quickly enough, or hard enough, or maybe i'm not strong or cool enough... or a multitude of any other reasons begin to fill the void; offering up possible shortcomings - giving me some sort of answer as to why i am not worthy of the success another is enjoying.

as i sat there watching my mind sink further into the void of darkness, one of my favorite sutras from patanjali popped into my head: 1.33 "by cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains it's undisturbed calmness."


delight in the virtuous.  delight!  not simmer away into a pool of black frothy jealousy and wonder "what's wrong with me?"  so as i settled on my yoga mat for practice this evening i gave myself the intention of happiness.  nothing more, just happiness.  happiness for the moment, happiness for being where i am and doing what i am doing.  though those black frothy feelings don't just disappear because i will them to - but by setting this seemingly simple intention, i was able to practice with a quiet mind and a smile on my face.  

and i realized it's simple really: just focus on myself, what i can do, and my own happiness. - someone else being happy doesn't mean that they are taking that happiness away from me - thankfully, happiness is not a limited edition item, there is enough in the world for me to have some too.  

we all have our parts to play and will get what we are meant to have.

little by little all is coming...


(yoga works.  that's all there is to it)  :) 

much much light and love.  


xxx

learn to love the questions

i came across this poem yesterday that is one of my favorites.  back when i was in high school, my mentor teacher, norm vandal said in one of my classes to "learn to love the questions." i remember having so much trouble wrapping my brain around that thought when he said it.  i liked answers.  i feared the unknown.  i had a plan, and i was sticking to it!  little did i know how much this piece of wisdom would shape who i eventually have become more than 7 years later.  norm was the first person who told me that i would make an exceptional teacher and actually made me believe it, and for that, i am eternally grateful. 

even though i always remembered what norm said in class that day (i recall him using me as his "teaching moment" to illustrate how so many of us rarely do love the questions. and he could read me like a book and knew how uncomfortable uncertainty made me - which of course embarrassed little high school me to no end) it wasn't until years later when i was in college, that i came across this rainer maria rilke quote that everything seemed to click.  as i read it over, i realized how incredibly yogic it sounds.  

"be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them.  and the point is, to live everything.  live the questions now.  perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - rainer maria rilke


i sense i will be weaving in a portion of this reading into one of my classes.  in the meantime: i hope that this speaks to you.  

xxx

(winter) spring cleaning

you know, i think winter gets a tough wrap.  don't get me wrong - i am the first person to admit that i cannot deal with the cold.  like.  can. not. deal.  and yes, i realize i am originally from vermont -- but here's the thing: i was cold in vermont too! it's not like that magically means i should be out snowshoeing in shorts and a tank top with a huge smile on my face in 20 degree weather.  no. i was cold there too.  and this problem has only gotten worse as i have aged, as the years have passed by my ability to suffer the cold weather has decreased exponentially. my teeth chatter uncontrollably in 50 degree weather, much to the amusement of my friends.  my bones feel as though they radiate ice.  which can be really amusing for me if i happen to accidentally brush my hand across another person's skin.  first they cringe in horror then they stare at me, amazed that someone who has such cold hands could possibly, indeed, still have a beating heart. 


as many of us remember from grade school, winter is the time for hibernation.  which can be both literal and figurative.  making changes and cleaning out the cobwebs just seem easier to do in the spring.  but, i've never been one to let a season keep me from doing some major overhaul on the layer of clutter that has seemed to collect in my physical, mental and spiritual body.  as you may recall from one of my earlier blog postings, i don't even like to make new year's resolutions because, well why wait for a certain calendar day to make a change? so in that spirit i have started to attempt to clean out my life.  

like old pairs of jeans, my relationships and decisions have been pulled out of the closet, and tried on to see if they still fit, if they still serve me the way i need them too.  am i just keeping them because i hope one day to be the person that this fits?  should i still hold onto something if it doesn't fit now?  the process begins.  and as i start to discard the things i no longer have use for.  it has not been easy and obviously there are always things that i probably should toss in the "to go" pile - but just can't bring myself to yet.  

and maybe that's okay.  maybe right now the most important thing is to just start to ask the questions and just hope that every little bit counts.  life is a process and nothing is going to change in one day.  no matter how much you might want it to.  so all i (or anyone) can do is take one step, one breath at a time and just continue to believe and hope. 


xxx