the ever changing yoga practice (complete with ego)

i have always been competitive.  not just with others but with myself.  i always want to do more and be better than i was yesterday.  this was particularly difficult when i first started my consistent yoga practice just over a year ago.

at this point i had only experienced yoga as a supplement to my acting training mainly as a warm up.  i barely knew any poses and certainly was not versed in any of the philosophy nor the ideology of practicing yoga.  the first month or so as i started to get more familiar with everything, i noticed myself looking in the mirror around the classroom while in downward facing dog and criticizing myself.  "why can't my heels just reach the floor?"  "ugh.  my arms are already tired."  "when is she going to let us do something else?"  and so forth... this continued for another few months until i started to become more flexible, strong and confident in my practice.  then my ego took hold in a different way, while i was still critical of my alignment, i was starting to become critical of others alignment.  or even worse, i was starting to feel better about myself because i could do a pose that no one else in the class could.  i started to allow how i “performed” in yoga affect how i felt about myself.

this then led to my struggle with attachment.  now that i have cultivated more intelligence of yoga in both my mind and body, i expect to do well in my public yoga classes.  if i am unable to realize the fullest aspect of a pose that i was used to doing, it would give me pause.  i am used to being able to open up my twist in utkatasana during my public class, but one day if I don’t get the same rotation in my spine, i start to judge myself.  "why aren’t I able to do what I was able to do two days ago?"  even knowing that the body is different everyday, it is hard when you are usually able to do something and then all of the sudden, not be able to.  i began to worry if this was a sign that i am not as advanced of a student as i should be, or whether i should even be a teacher if i am not able to do “x” pose or “y” variation.

all that being said, ever since i started the teacher training program i have found it easier to keep my ego under control;  though i am in awe of what some of my fellow students are capable of doing in their asana practice, i don’t get as discouraged just because i am unable to do the same thing right now.  i have also realized that being a teacher of yoga does not mean that you have to be able to do every advanced pose out there.  perhaps it is a much better lesson for your students to teach them to respect their individual body and its needs rather than chasing the outer shape of any given pose.

xxx