planting seeds.

i had the great opportunity to take a workshop at back bay yoga yesterday and today with raghunath cappo.  (check the picture to the right - yup that's him - how bad-ass is that?)

the workshop focused mainly on a strong vinyasa practice with a hefty dose of handstands (my asana nemesis at the moment).  though i usually tend to avoid classes or workshops that focus on my weakness (ie. arm balances and inversions) i am so glad that i didn't let me ego get in the way this time.  it was wonderful.  i was not able to do half of the stuff that was demoed in this workshop but i did my best.  and one thing that raghunath said that i will carry with me throughout my practice is: you are planting the seeds.  don't worry if you can't do this right now - there's no point in yelling at an apple seed to make apples.  you need to plant it and let it grow.  everyone in this room is at a different place, either planting or growing or watching a flower bloom or finding the fruit or harvesting and that's great.  we all have to start somewhere.  

so even though i was falling more than flying (or rather, not falling but being great as raghunath calls it) i kept on trying.  and even though i was sweating more than one could think possible (i literally looked like i had been ambushed by a group of young bandits wielding super-soakers) i kept on trying, cause what do i have to lose?  

another great point he made is you never know how far you are away from achieving what you want.  in terms of asana, perhaps this next time you can jump straight up into handstand - you don't know.  that is, until you try.  perhaps it won't be this next time, but it will be your hundredth try - who knows.  you just gotta keep keeping on.    

at one point during the practice, and yes i was already drenched in my own sweat, we transitioned to warrior 2 and were told that we were going to hold it there for one minute.  now, one minute may not seem like a long time, but lord, after you have already been working hard it seems like an eternity.  raghunath addressed this upfront.  "your mind is probably not  going to want to you to stay in that pose for that long, but that's okay -  change your mind."  ha.  just change my mind and that will will my limbs from involuntarily shaking... sure.... that sounds reasonable.  so once we found our footing he invited us to close our eyes and focus on either counting slowly or repeating a mantra - it will help he assured.  so i started slowly counting to 10.  s l o w l y.   by the time i hit 7 he offered a mantra "not the body, not the mind but something divine."  and i fell in love with that.  so after i rolled that around in my mind once or twice - we were already done.  my arms didn't shake, my front leg didn't buckle under my effort.  that was totally doable!  


after finishing the practice and coming home, i thought about that mantra again "not the body, not the mind but something divine."  in yogic philosophy, we are not characterized by anything that one would normally throw out there in western culture.  for example, i am not a young female, five feet five inches - but rather that is simply my body - that is my little "s" self which is merely the vessel for what i really am, what we call our big "s" self.  my soul.  our little "s" self is constantly in flux, our bodies cells are constantly changing, but our big "s" self exists above that.  i (big "s" self) am not my body, i have a body but i am not my body, i (big "s" self) am not my mind, i have a mind but i am not my mind, but rather, i am something divine.  how wonderful to be freed from something that for so long i have felt defines me.  this body is a gift, a vessel for me to experience the world and i should treat it as such rather than constantly berating myself for it not looking a certain way or not bending a certain way.  

i've had a great opportunity of planting lots of seeds this weekend and i can't wait to have them start to grow.  i know that on my path to better my practice, and better myself i will be challenged and maybe even renounce these thoughts due to frustration and anger over things i cannot control - it's okay.  just because i don't believe them every second of every day doesn't mean it still isn't true.  the physical world is in constant flux.  there is nothing you can possess in this world that cannot and will not be taken from you. the only thing that can't be taken away from you is your ability to give and share love.  


so i invite you, whether or not any of these ideas speak to you or if you think it's all a bunch of hooey - give and share love.  it will make this world, ever changing as it is, a better place.  


light and love all of you.  namaste.  


xxx

the ever changing yoga practice (complete with ego)

i have always been competitive.  not just with others but with myself.  i always want to do more and be better than i was yesterday.  this was particularly difficult when i first started my consistent yoga practice just over a year ago.

at this point i had only experienced yoga as a supplement to my acting training mainly as a warm up.  i barely knew any poses and certainly was not versed in any of the philosophy nor the ideology of practicing yoga.  the first month or so as i started to get more familiar with everything, i noticed myself looking in the mirror around the classroom while in downward facing dog and criticizing myself.  "why can't my heels just reach the floor?"  "ugh.  my arms are already tired."  "when is she going to let us do something else?"  and so forth... this continued for another few months until i started to become more flexible, strong and confident in my practice.  then my ego took hold in a different way, while i was still critical of my alignment, i was starting to become critical of others alignment.  or even worse, i was starting to feel better about myself because i could do a pose that no one else in the class could.  i started to allow how i “performed” in yoga affect how i felt about myself.

this then led to my struggle with attachment.  now that i have cultivated more intelligence of yoga in both my mind and body, i expect to do well in my public yoga classes.  if i am unable to realize the fullest aspect of a pose that i was used to doing, it would give me pause.  i am used to being able to open up my twist in utkatasana during my public class, but one day if I don’t get the same rotation in my spine, i start to judge myself.  "why aren’t I able to do what I was able to do two days ago?"  even knowing that the body is different everyday, it is hard when you are usually able to do something and then all of the sudden, not be able to.  i began to worry if this was a sign that i am not as advanced of a student as i should be, or whether i should even be a teacher if i am not able to do “x” pose or “y” variation.

all that being said, ever since i started the teacher training program i have found it easier to keep my ego under control;  though i am in awe of what some of my fellow students are capable of doing in their asana practice, i don’t get as discouraged just because i am unable to do the same thing right now.  i have also realized that being a teacher of yoga does not mean that you have to be able to do every advanced pose out there.  perhaps it is a much better lesson for your students to teach them to respect their individual body and its needs rather than chasing the outer shape of any given pose.

xxx

rock your asana.

during one of the very first weekends of the training our teacher, natasha, was talking about her experience of making her dvds.  she said that in the editing room she found herself horrified.  "do i really look like that in that pose?" she then went on to tell us that sometimes taking pictures of yourself in a particular pose is a great way to see what it is you are actually doing with your body.

this last week i got to have that very experience.  now that the training is quickly approaching it's end, i figured it was about time to get some photos to possibly use for a future website for myself.  with the help of my dear friend omar, who also just so happens to be a very gifted photographer (see more of his work here), i was able to see first hand just how illuminating pictures of your asanas can be.  while i did have a moment of shock with a few of the pictures (you mean when i slouch... the camera notices?) more than anything it was an opportunity to learn more about my practice and to be honest, i was happy with what i saw.  while i know it's not very yogic to be proud of attaining a particular asana, i do very much believe that it is important to give yourself an opportunity to recognize the progress you have made.  it's part of what makes you want to continue on your path in yoga. 

i hope you enjoy the photos.  namaste. 

xxx

yoga as transformation.

i can't believe we only have four more weekends left it somehow doesn't seem like enough. but on the same token, i am extremely energized and excited for what is yet to come.

we had the opportunity to learn about the subtle body from an ayurvedic healer this sunday and i walked away with the same amount of wonder and enthusiasm as an 8 year old on christmas morning. we learned about the body's natural energy pulses and chakras. we also learned how to test for healthy energy and chakras and what to do in order to fix one if it's out of whack. even now as i write this, i can't stop thinking about how she called us healers. ... i had never thought of it like that. yes yoga makes you feel better, but really a healer? i like the sound of that.

another idea that has energized me is that yoga is about transformation. while it is easier for me (and others) to notice the physical embodiment of the transformation that occurs along with an asana practice, now the non-physical one is catching up with me. while having dinner with a friend this week, she said something along the lines of "listen to you, all your responses are so philosophical." was i really responding so differently? granted i haven't seen her in about two months, was that really enough time for me to all of the sudden respond differently in everyday conversation? while mulling this over during a yoga practice last night, i was reminded of how quickly my physical body has changed over the course of this training. just over three months ago i wasn't able to hold a steady chaturanga, i had never even attempted an inversion... and now i am holding 4 minute shoulder stands and a 5 minute downward dog. if the physical body can catch up in such a relatively short period of time, why not the mind? i guess like most westerners i was a bit naive on how powerful the physical asana practice can be and how it's effects can reverberate through your entire being.

happy holidays.

xxx