confessions of a (self-conscious) yogini.

i've never been much of a mover. i was never anything more than mediocre at sports. i'm the girl who trips over her own feet on the sidewalk (to be fair, i live in boston and here it's like the ground is out to get you). in college i was pulled aside by my tap dance teacher and asked, if i was dyslexic - hoping this might explain my utter lack of gracefulness in execution of her choreography. at my brother's wedding, my date simply watched in horror and shook his head slightly at my attempts of dancing (i never had went to a dance with a boy - only a gaggle of girlfriends with whom i formed that dance circle where all you have to do is sway your hips and throw your arms in the air).

needless to say, i have never been very comfortable with or in my body. life would have been so much easier if my calling was one where i could have just continued to ignore my body. but of course my love of acting forced me to pay attention to my body, most of the time in the worst possible way. i lived in los angeles for all of 3 months in my early-twenties, and in my short time there my agent, submitted me (and got me an audition) for a "chubby girl." i was a size 6 at the time. talk about a place that will sap a healthy body image from anybody. but being a good little actress i piled on seven layers of shirts and padded my jeans up, in 90 degree weather mind you. my only vindication was when the casting director saw me she looked me up and down and said "you aren't chubby." why thank you. as you might have guessed, i didn't book the gig.


i wish i could say that yoga has magically cured me of my incessant urge to judge my body and how it moves. what i will say is that is has started to allow me to forget about it more and more each day. with each practice instead of worrying about how my stomach looks or if people are noticing how wide my hips are, once i'm back in my first downward-facing dog i am much more interested in the slight external rotation of inner-upper shoulders and engaging my quadriceps and rejoicing in the lengthening of my spine. yoga has allowed me to experience my body from the inside-out. rather than thinking about myself as a physical object i am able to think of my body as merely a vessel for something much more important and intrinsic to my being. in sanskrit they refer to this intangible thought as parusha, the divine self which inhabits all things. if nothing else, for those few hours of practice, yoga has given me the opportunity to tune out the rest of the world, tune out my my own preconceived notions of what is and what should be. just focus on the breath and simply be.

xxx