... all is coming

so, i am not terribly fond of change.  i usually react to change with hefty dosing of anxiety.  i was anxious for this training to start, pouring over a minutia of what if's.  and now, six months later, here i am, staring the last two weekends of my 200-hour training in the face and the only notable difference in my reaction is that i am throwing in a dash of denial to mingle with the anxiety.  i only have four more days of the teacher training, well two if you reason that next weekend will primarily be testing and thus be hardly anything like the weekends that preceded it.  

on the one hand, this is exactly what i have been waiting for, i will be a yoga teacher.  i will not be all consumed by this training.  (i can't tell you how many times i have responded to an invite saying "well, maybe when the training is over...")  but on the other, what am i going to do?  beyond the growing attached to the people and the process; having the training be over means - its my turn.  my turn to do the work, and find the door to start to practice all of these things i have learned.  this, terrifies me.  what if i can't do it?  what if no one will want me to teach?  what if...  

... now this is the point that i take a breath and remember one of the sutras that i put in my back pocket for just such an occasion as this: 2.16 - pain that has not yet come is avoidable.  that makes sense right?  why needlessly freak myself out over something that hasn't even happened yet?  the training isn't over yet, so why lament it's loss already?  i haven't even started putting myself out there as a teacher, so why assume that i will fail before i even try?  why did i even go through the motions of freaking out when i have this practice to help me deal with them? 

so here's my take away for now, (and my mantra as i go into this final nine day stretch of the training program) yoga is a practice.  no one is perfect.  doing yoga doesn't suddenly make life easy.  bad things still happen.  but, your yoga practice is always there, waiting patiently for you to come back.  it's waiting, without judgment or expectation, for you to find your breath and move forward.

little by little, all is coming.

xxx