the void.

i caught myself getting sucked down into the void today.  the void of darkness, where negative thoughts lie... just waiting to tear apart any shred of positive, self empowered thought to teeny tiny pieces.  

if you have read my blog, you might recall that since grade school i have struggled with self esteem issues.  so, it can be very easy for me, even as an adult (and even as a yoga practitioner/teacher) to revert to a place where if i see someone succeeding (especially in an arena that i desperately want to succeed at as well) i turn that person's success into my failure.  my failure to not work quickly enough, or hard enough, or maybe i'm not strong or cool enough... or a multitude of any other reasons begin to fill the void; offering up possible shortcomings - giving me some sort of answer as to why i am not worthy of the success another is enjoying.

as i sat there watching my mind sink further into the void of darkness, one of my favorite sutras from patanjali popped into my head: 1.33 "by cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains it's undisturbed calmness."


delight in the virtuous.  delight!  not simmer away into a pool of black frothy jealousy and wonder "what's wrong with me?"  so as i settled on my yoga mat for practice this evening i gave myself the intention of happiness.  nothing more, just happiness.  happiness for the moment, happiness for being where i am and doing what i am doing.  though those black frothy feelings don't just disappear because i will them to - but by setting this seemingly simple intention, i was able to practice with a quiet mind and a smile on my face.  

and i realized it's simple really: just focus on myself, what i can do, and my own happiness. - someone else being happy doesn't mean that they are taking that happiness away from me - thankfully, happiness is not a limited edition item, there is enough in the world for me to have some too.  

we all have our parts to play and will get what we are meant to have.

little by little all is coming...


(yoga works.  that's all there is to it)  :) 

much much light and love.  


xxx

the ever changing yoga practice (complete with ego)

i have always been competitive.  not just with others but with myself.  i always want to do more and be better than i was yesterday.  this was particularly difficult when i first started my consistent yoga practice just over a year ago.

at this point i had only experienced yoga as a supplement to my acting training mainly as a warm up.  i barely knew any poses and certainly was not versed in any of the philosophy nor the ideology of practicing yoga.  the first month or so as i started to get more familiar with everything, i noticed myself looking in the mirror around the classroom while in downward facing dog and criticizing myself.  "why can't my heels just reach the floor?"  "ugh.  my arms are already tired."  "when is she going to let us do something else?"  and so forth... this continued for another few months until i started to become more flexible, strong and confident in my practice.  then my ego took hold in a different way, while i was still critical of my alignment, i was starting to become critical of others alignment.  or even worse, i was starting to feel better about myself because i could do a pose that no one else in the class could.  i started to allow how i “performed” in yoga affect how i felt about myself.

this then led to my struggle with attachment.  now that i have cultivated more intelligence of yoga in both my mind and body, i expect to do well in my public yoga classes.  if i am unable to realize the fullest aspect of a pose that i was used to doing, it would give me pause.  i am used to being able to open up my twist in utkatasana during my public class, but one day if I don’t get the same rotation in my spine, i start to judge myself.  "why aren’t I able to do what I was able to do two days ago?"  even knowing that the body is different everyday, it is hard when you are usually able to do something and then all of the sudden, not be able to.  i began to worry if this was a sign that i am not as advanced of a student as i should be, or whether i should even be a teacher if i am not able to do “x” pose or “y” variation.

all that being said, ever since i started the teacher training program i have found it easier to keep my ego under control;  though i am in awe of what some of my fellow students are capable of doing in their asana practice, i don’t get as discouraged just because i am unable to do the same thing right now.  i have also realized that being a teacher of yoga does not mean that you have to be able to do every advanced pose out there.  perhaps it is a much better lesson for your students to teach them to respect their individual body and its needs rather than chasing the outer shape of any given pose.

xxx