the price of happiness.

over the past month i have been doing a lot of soul searching.  i have been overworked, exhausted and sick on and off for the past month.  beyond that, i have also been dealing with my two newly adopted cats having a variety of emergent problems which resulted in two trips to the animal emergency room and multiple follow up visits to vets and animal hospitals.  needless to say, stressful situations have been permeating my day to days.  

 all of this stress has been balled up inside of me, pushed down and survived through - so i could stay afloat.  so i could keep working 50-60 hour weeks.  so i could always be where i needed to be when i needed to be there. always.  needless to say, my body has reacted and it as not (as you may have guessed) in a positive way.  i've been having some very troubling symptoms the last 10 days and after seeing a doctor yesterday have learned that the best case scenario is that it is all due to the stress i have been going through.  worst case is... something i am not quite sure of and not quite prepared for but, they are running a bunch of tests and here's hoping things improve, otherwise a bunch more tests await.  


my body has made it clear to me that what i am doing, over extending myself, is not going to fly.  so here comes the part where i start to do some soul searching.  things are the way they are, so how do i do something about it?  decisions have been made and some sacrifices are to come, but i am remaining confident that although it may be scary and it may go against what my brain tells me is right, but this time - i have to trust my heart.  things will fall into place if they are right.  and though i cannot see the full picture right now, perhaps i am not meant to, it all comes down to this: what is ultimately going to bring me closer to my truest, fullest expression of myself?  

details will be forthcoming when the time is right.  though, if you'd care to have a more in depth conversation with me about any of this - feel free to leave me a message.  

i will leave you with a few quotes from my dad in my last e-mail exchange with him that brought me very much comfort and i hope they will you as well. 

"when everything is said and done, it will be the things we should have done, but did not that we will most regret, not the things we should not have done, but did."

and perhaps my new mantra: "what greater responsibility could you possibly have than to be happy." 

xxx 

it ain't easy being green...

have you seen that commercial?  you know the one where some green energy company talks about how green has changed from merely a color to a way to be, to a lifestyle?  after thinking about it green really does have so many meanings: from being environmentally friendly, similarly green is obviously linked to nature... but it is also linked to being jealous (green eyed monster), ill (green around the gills), prosperity (the color of money), envy (green with envy), and to being new and inexperienced.  

 this last one is of course what i am referring to when i borrow one of my favorite muppet's line - "it ain't easy being green." 

lately i have been feeling a bit frustrated at my own lack of prowess and experience teaching yoga.  being the person i am, i am ready and eager to move forward and soak up anything i can to help me progress - but sadly, it seems that those opportunities are few and far between. it's true i can't yell at a seed to give me fruit... but what happens when there is no water to nurture the seed? 

this morning i received my paperwork from the yoga alliance which proves that i am a "registered yoga teacher" (ryt - if you will)  the purpose of aligning yourself with the yoga alliance is to buy those three letters (ryt) along with an emblem to put after your name to signify that you are serious about your teaching and prove that you meet all of the requirements set forth by the alliance of being a yoga teacher.  

anyway, whilst perusing their website i came across this link under the heading of choosing your yoga teacher. this form designed to help inquiring students figure out a beneficial teacher by giving them some guidelines of things to ask your teacher and what the answers should be.  i think this is a great tool, however i couldn't help but notice that they specifically point out that your yoga teacher should have at least three years of consistent practice before they start teaching.  now i do not disagree with this, at all.  it just simply made me re-realize that i don't have that.  before starting my training i had just over one year of consistent practice under my belt.  of the people in my training i was one of the newbies, i think only i and one other had such little consistent experience going in.  though, of course i went through the training and did quite well throughout i did miss that sense of already knowing.  

when i decided to go to college to get a theater degree i had already been practicing theater (not to mention teaching theater) for at least 6 years.  i was comfortable in my base knowledge.  i can't help but feel a twinge of regret that i have not had a consistent practice for longer.  though i have been aware of yoga and used it in a recreational sense - i don't have that sense of knowing. 

of course regret doesn't change anything.  onward i go - clutching the idea that "everything happens the way it is supposed to" close and hoping that perhaps one day in the not too distant future, i will start to see some sprouts from this seed of mine.  

with hope.

xxx