(winter) spring cleaning

you know, i think winter gets a tough wrap.  don't get me wrong - i am the first person to admit that i cannot deal with the cold.  like.  can. not. deal.  and yes, i realize i am originally from vermont -- but here's the thing: i was cold in vermont too! it's not like that magically means i should be out snowshoeing in shorts and a tank top with a huge smile on my face in 20 degree weather.  no. i was cold there too.  and this problem has only gotten worse as i have aged, as the years have passed by my ability to suffer the cold weather has decreased exponentially. my teeth chatter uncontrollably in 50 degree weather, much to the amusement of my friends.  my bones feel as though they radiate ice.  which can be really amusing for me if i happen to accidentally brush my hand across another person's skin.  first they cringe in horror then they stare at me, amazed that someone who has such cold hands could possibly, indeed, still have a beating heart. 


as many of us remember from grade school, winter is the time for hibernation.  which can be both literal and figurative.  making changes and cleaning out the cobwebs just seem easier to do in the spring.  but, i've never been one to let a season keep me from doing some major overhaul on the layer of clutter that has seemed to collect in my physical, mental and spiritual body.  as you may recall from one of my earlier blog postings, i don't even like to make new year's resolutions because, well why wait for a certain calendar day to make a change? so in that spirit i have started to attempt to clean out my life.  

like old pairs of jeans, my relationships and decisions have been pulled out of the closet, and tried on to see if they still fit, if they still serve me the way i need them too.  am i just keeping them because i hope one day to be the person that this fits?  should i still hold onto something if it doesn't fit now?  the process begins.  and as i start to discard the things i no longer have use for.  it has not been easy and obviously there are always things that i probably should toss in the "to go" pile - but just can't bring myself to yet.  

and maybe that's okay.  maybe right now the most important thing is to just start to ask the questions and just hope that every little bit counts.  life is a process and nothing is going to change in one day.  no matter how much you might want it to.  so all i (or anyone) can do is take one step, one breath at a time and just continue to believe and hope. 


xxx

the price of happiness.

over the past month i have been doing a lot of soul searching.  i have been overworked, exhausted and sick on and off for the past month.  beyond that, i have also been dealing with my two newly adopted cats having a variety of emergent problems which resulted in two trips to the animal emergency room and multiple follow up visits to vets and animal hospitals.  needless to say, stressful situations have been permeating my day to days.  

 all of this stress has been balled up inside of me, pushed down and survived through - so i could stay afloat.  so i could keep working 50-60 hour weeks.  so i could always be where i needed to be when i needed to be there. always.  needless to say, my body has reacted and it as not (as you may have guessed) in a positive way.  i've been having some very troubling symptoms the last 10 days and after seeing a doctor yesterday have learned that the best case scenario is that it is all due to the stress i have been going through.  worst case is... something i am not quite sure of and not quite prepared for but, they are running a bunch of tests and here's hoping things improve, otherwise a bunch more tests await.  


my body has made it clear to me that what i am doing, over extending myself, is not going to fly.  so here comes the part where i start to do some soul searching.  things are the way they are, so how do i do something about it?  decisions have been made and some sacrifices are to come, but i am remaining confident that although it may be scary and it may go against what my brain tells me is right, but this time - i have to trust my heart.  things will fall into place if they are right.  and though i cannot see the full picture right now, perhaps i am not meant to, it all comes down to this: what is ultimately going to bring me closer to my truest, fullest expression of myself?  

details will be forthcoming when the time is right.  though, if you'd care to have a more in depth conversation with me about any of this - feel free to leave me a message.  

i will leave you with a few quotes from my dad in my last e-mail exchange with him that brought me very much comfort and i hope they will you as well. 

"when everything is said and done, it will be the things we should have done, but did not that we will most regret, not the things we should not have done, but did."

and perhaps my new mantra: "what greater responsibility could you possibly have than to be happy." 

xxx 

hope springs eternal

 

it's official: it's finally spring.  or so they say.  the biblical amount of rain in boston lately would make one presume otherwise.  but i suppose hoping and believing will pay off in the end.  speaking of, i found out yesterday that i will be taking over my very own class at the wellbridge athletic club in harvard square!  i'll be teaching a slow-flow vinyasa class monday's from 5-6pm.  i had been subbing this particular class for about a month now when the group exercise coordinator suggested to the regular teacher that perhaps rather than having me sub all the time, that i should be put on the schedule.  and much to my surprise, the regular teacher agreed and handed the class over. 

so things are starting slowly but surely. this last monday, for the first time i really felt like i was being more myself while i was teaching.  saying things the way that i wanted to say them rather than searching for the words.  perhaps knowing there was a possibility that i would make this class my own helped me to settle in more as i taught, i guess we will see if my theory proves true when next week's class rolls around.  

in other news i have had a meeting with a new gym and a studio in the last two weeks to see about getting a position teaching.  the studio, located in dedham (a 30 minute drive) has already told me that they want to have me on the sub list and will be making more firm plans about everything mid-april-may-ish.    the gym will be opening in west newton in mid-april and i should be hearing something any day now.  i was supposed to hear last week, but that turned into this week and now who knows.  i am hopeful, but trying not to be attached to anything.  i'd love to get more experience and more teaching slots during the week, but i realize i am pretty green - which is a hard sell.  so, much like waiting for the sun to come back out, all i can do is believe is that it will all happen in it's own time.  

so here's hoping.  for more forward motion.  for some sun.  and for some much needed joy.  

xxx